THE GONDOLIERS

or, The King of Barataria

Libretto by William S. Gilbert

Music by Arthur S. Sullivan

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO (a Grandee of Spain)

LUIZ (his attendant)

DON ALHAMBRA DEL BOLERO (the Grand Inquisitor)

Venetian Gondoliers:

MARCO PALMIERI

GIUSEPPE PALMIERI

ANTONIO

FRANCESCO

GIORGIO

ANNIBALE

THE DUCHESS OF PLAZA-TORO

CASILDA (her Daughter)

Contadine:

GIANETTA

TESSA

FIAMETTA

VITTORIA

GIULIA

INEZ (the King's Foster-mother)

Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine, Men-at-Arms, Heralds and Pages

ACT I - The Piazzetta, Venice

ACT II - Pavilion in the Palace of Barataria

(An interval of three months is supposed to elapse between Acts I and II)

Time: 1750

MUSICAL NUMBERS

ACT I

No. 1 "List and Learn"

Chorus of Contadine with Solos (Gondoliers, Antonio, Marco and Giuseppe)

No. 2 "From The Sunny Spanish Shore"

Entrance of Duke, Duchess, Casilda and Luiz

No. 3 "In Enterprise Of Martial Kind"

Song (Duke of Plaza-Toro)

No. 4 "Oh Rapture, When Alone Together"

Recitiative and Duet (Casilda and Luiz)

No. 5 "There Was A Time"

Duet (Casilda and Luiz)

No. 6 "I Stole The Prince"

Song (Don Alhambra, with Duke, Duchess, Casilda and Luiz)

No. 7 "But, Bless My Heart"

Recitative (Casilda and Don Alhambra)

No. 8 "Try We Lifelong"

Quintet (Duke, Duchess, Casilda, Luiz and Grand Inquisitor)

No. 9 "Bridegroom and Bride"

Chorus with Solo (Tessa) "When A Merry Maiden Marries"

No. 10 "Kind Sir, You Cannot Have The Heart"

Finale with Song (Gianetta)

Quartet (Marco, Giuseppe, Gianetta and Tessa) "Then One Of Us"

ACT II

No. 1 "Of Happiness The Very Pith"

Chorus of Men (with Marco and Giuseppe)

No. 2 "Rising Early In The Morning"

Song (Giuseppe with Chorus)

No. 3 "Take A Pair Of Sparkling Eyes"

Song (Marco)

No. 4 "Here We Are At The Risk"

Scena (Chorus of Girls, Quartet, Duet and Chorus)

No. 5 "Dance A Cachucha"

Chorus and Dance

No. 6 "There Lived A King"

Song (Don Alhambra, with Marco and Giuseppe)

No. 7 "In A Contemplative Fashion"

Quartet (Marco, Giuseppe, Gianetta and Tessa)

No. 8 "With Ducal Pomp And Ducal Pride"

Chorus of Men (with Duke and Duchess).

No. 9 "On The Day When I Was Wedded"

Song (Duchess)

No. 10 "To Help Unhappy Commoners"

Recitative and Duet (Duke and Duchess)

No. 11 "I Am A Courtier Grave And Serious"

Gavotte (Duke Duchess, Casilda, Marco and Giuseppe)

No. 12 "Here Is A Case Unprecedented"

Quintet and Finale (Marco, Giuseppe, Casilda, Gianetta, Tessa and Chorus)

ACT I

OVERTURE

Scene - the Piazzetta, Venice. The Ducal Palace on the right.

Fiametta, Giulia, Vittoria, and other Contadine discovered, each

tying a bouquet of roses.

Music No. 1 "List and Learn"

Chorus of Contadine with Solos (Gondoliers, Antonio, Marco and Giuseppe)

CHORUS OF CONTADINE

List and learn, list and learn,

List and learn, ye dainty roses,

Roses white and roses red,

Why we bind you into posies

Ere your morning bloom has fled.

By a law of maiden's making,

Accents of a heart that's aching,

Even though that heart be breaking,

Should by maiden be unsaid:

Though they love with love exceeding,

They must seem to be unheeding--

Go ye then and do their pleading,

Roses white and roses red!

List and learn,

List and learn, ye dainty roses,

Roses white and roses red,

Why we bind you into posies

Ere your morning bloom has fled.

List and learn, list and learn,

Roses white and roses red,

List and learn, list and learn,

Roses, Oh list, list and learn,

List and learn,

Oh, roses white and red!

FIAMETTA

Two there are for whom, in duty,

Ev'ry maid in Venice sighs--

Two so peerless in their beauty

That they shame the summer skies.

We have hearts for them, in plenty,

They have hearts, but all too few,

We, alas, are four-and-twenty!

They, alas, are only two!

We, alas!

CHORUS

Alas!

FIAMETTA

Are four-and-twenty,

They, alas!

CHORUS

Alas!

FIAMETTA

Are only two.

CHORUS

They, alas, are only two! Alas!

Now ye know, ye dainty roses,

Roses white and roses red,

Why we bind you into posies,

Ere your morning bloom has fled,

Now ye know, now ye know,

Roses white and roses red,

Roses, Oh now, now ye know,

Now ye know,

Oh roses white and red!

(During this chorus Antonio, Francesco, Giorgio, and other

Gondoliers have entered unobserved by the Girls--at first two,

then two more, then four, then half a dozen, then the remainder

of the Chorus)

FRANCESCO

Good morrow, pretty maids; for whom prepare ye

These floral tributes extraordinary?

FIAMETTA

For Marco and Giuseppe Palmieri,

The pink and flower of all the Gondolieri.

GIULIA

They're coming here, as we have heard but lately,

To choose two brides from us who sit sedately.

ANTONIO

Do all you maidens love them?

ALL

Passionately!

ANTONIO

These gondoliers are to be envied greatly!

GIORGIO

But what of us, who one and all adore you?

Have pity on our passion, we implore you!

FIAMETTA

These gentlemen must make their choice before you;

VITTORIA

In the meantime we tacitly ignore you.

GIULIA

When they have chosen two that leaves you plenty--

Two dozen we, and ye are four-and-twenty.

FIAMETTA and VITTORIA

Till then, enjoy your dolce far niente.

ANTONIO

With pleasure, nobody contradicente!

SONG--ANTONIO and CHORUS

For the merriest fellows are we, tra la,

That ply on the emerald sea, tra la;

With loving and laughing,

And quipping and quaffing,

We're happy as happy can be, tra la--

With loving and laughing, etc.

With sorrow we've nothing to do, tra la,

And care is a thing to pooh-pooh, tra la;

And Jealousy yellow,

Unfortunate fellow,

We drown in the shimmering blue, tra la--

And Jealousy yellow, etc.

FIAMETTA

(looking off). See, see, at last they come to make their choice--

Let us acclaim them with united voice.

(Marco and Giuseppe appear in gondola at back.)

CHORUS (Girls)

Hail, hail! gallant gondolieri, ben' venuti! Ben' venuti!

Accept our love, our homage, and our duty.

Ben' venuti! ben' venuti!

(Marco and Giuseppe jump ashore--the Girls salute them.)

DUET--MARCO and GIUSEPPE, with CHORUS OF GIRLS

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Buon' giorno, signorine!

GIRLS

Gondolieri carissimi!

Siamo contadine!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

(bowing). Servitori umilissimi!

Per chi questi fiori--

Questi fiori bellissimi?

GIRLS

Per voi, bei signori

O eccellentissimi!

(The Girls present their bouquets to Marco and Giuseppe, who are

overwhelmed with them, and carry them with difficulty.)

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

(their arms full of flowers). O ciel! O ciel!

GIRLS

Buon' giorno, cavalieri!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

(deprecatingly). Siamo gondolieri.

(To Fiametta and Vittoria) Signorina, io t'amo!

GIRLS

(deprecatingly) Contadine siamo.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Signorine!

GIRLS

(deprecatingly). Contadine!

(Curtseying to Marco and Giuseppe) Cavalieri.

MEN

Gondolieri!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

(deprecatingly) Poveri gondolieri!

MARCO, GIUSEPPE and MEN

Poveri gondolieri!

Buon' giorno, signorine!

GIRLS

Gondolieri carissimi!

Siamo contadine!

MARCO, GIUSEPPE and MEN

Servitori umilissimi!

MARCO
Per noi
questi fiori
Questi fiori
bellissimi!
MEN
Servitori umilissimi! Servitori umilissimi!

1ST SOPRANOS
Per voi
Bei signori,
O eccellentissimi!
MEN
Servitori umilissimi, umilissimi,

MARCO, GIUSEPPE and MEN

Signorine!

GIRLS

Contadine! Cavalieri!

MARCO, GIUSEPPE and MEN

Gondolieri!

ALL

Buon' giorno, Signorine!/Cavalieri!

DUET--MARCO and GIUSEPPE

We're called gondolieri,

But that's a vagary,

It's quite honorary

The trade that we ply.

For gallantry noted

Since we were short-coated,

To beauty devoted,

Giuseppe/Are Marco and I;

When morning is breaking,

Our couches forsaking,

To greet their awaking

With carols we come.

At summer day's nooning,

When weary lagooning,

Our mandolins tuning,

We lazily thrum.

When vespers are ringing,

To hope ever clinging,

With songs of our singing

A vigil we keep,

When daylight is fading,

Enwrapt in night's shading,

With soft serenading

We sing them to sleep.

We're called gondolieri, etc.

RECITATIVE--MARCO and GIUSEPPE

MARCO

And now to choose our brides!

GIUSEPPE

As all are young and fair,

And amiable besides,

BOTH

We really do not care

A preference to declare.

MARCO

A bias to disclose

Would be indelicate--

GIUSEPPE

And therefore we propose

To let impartial Fate

Select for us a mate!

ALL

Viva!

GIRLS

A bias to disclose

Would be indelicate--

MEN

But how do they propose

To let impartial Fate

Select for them a mate?

GIUSEPPE

These handkerchiefs upon our eyes be good enough to bind,

MARCO

And take good care that both of us are absolutely blind;

BOTH

Then turn us round--and we, with all convenient despatch,

Will undertake to marry any two of you we catch!

ALL

Viva!

They undertake to marry any two of us/them they catch!

(The Girls prepare to bind their eyes as directed.)

FIAMETTA

(to Marco). Are you peeping?

Can you see me?

MARCO

Dark I'm keeping,

Dark and dreamy!

(Marco slyly lifts bandage.)

VITTORIA

(to Giuseppe). If you're blinded,

Truly, say so

GIUSEPPE

All right-minded

Players play so!

(slyly lifts bandage).

FIAMETTA

(detecting Marco). Conduct shady!

They are cheating!

Surely they deserve a beating!

(replaces bandage).

VITTORIA

(detecting Giuseppe). This too much is;

Maidens mocking;

Conduct such is

Truly shocking!

(replaces bandage).

CHORUS (Girls)
You can spy, sir!
Shut your eye, sir!
You may use it by and by, sir!
CHORUS (Men)
Fie for shame
Fie for shame
Fie for shame

ALL

You can see, sir!

Don't tell me, sir!

That will do--now let it be, sir!

CHORUS OF GIRLS

My papa he keeps three horses,

Black, and white, and dapple grey, sir;

Turn three times, then take your courses,

Catch whichever girl you may, sir!

CHORUS OF MEN

My papa, etc.

ALL

My papa, etc.

(Marco and Giuseppe turn round, as directed, and try to catch the

girls. Business of blind-man's buff. Eventually Marco catches

Gianetta, and Giuseppe catches Tessa. The two girls try to

escape, but in vain. The two men pass their hands over the

girls' faces to discover their identity.)

GIUSEPPE

(guessing) I've at length achieved a capture!

This is Tessa! (removes bandage). Rapture, rapture!

CHORUS

Rapture, rapture!

MARCO

(guessing). To me Gianetta fate has granted!

(removes bandage) Just the very girl I wanted!

CHORUS

Just the very girl he wanted!

GIUSEPPE

(politely to Marco) If you'd rather change--

TESSA

My goodness!

This indeed is simple rudeness.

MARCO

(politely to Giuseppe) I've no preference whatever--

GIANETTA

Listen to him! Well, I never!

(Each man kisses each girl.)

GIANETTA

Thank you, gallant gondolieri!

In a set and formal measure

It is scarcely necessary

To express our pleasure.

Each of us to prove a treasure,

Conjugal and monetary,

Gladly will devote our leisure,

Gallant gondolieri.

Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

TESSA

Gay and gallant gondolieri,

Take us both and hold us tightly,

You have luck extraordinary;

We might both have been unsightly!

If we judge your conduct rightly,

'Twas a choice involuntary;

Still we thank you most politely,

Gay and gallant gondolieri!

Tra, la, la, la, la, la, etc.

CHORUS OF GIRLS

Thank you, gallant gondolieri;

In a set and formal measure,

It is scarcely necessary

To express our pleasure.

Each of us to prove a treasure

Gladly will devote our leisure,

Gay and gallant gondolieri!

Tra, la, la, la, etc.

ALL

Fate in this has put his finger--

Let us bow to Fate's decree,

Then no longer let us linger,

To the altar hurry we!

(They all dance off two and two--Gianetta with Marco, Tessa with

Giuseppe.)

(Flourish. A gondola arrives at the Piazzetta steps, from which

enter the Duke of Plaza-toro, the Duchess, their daughter

Casilda, and their attendant Luiz, who carries a drum. All are

dressed in pompous but old and faded clothes.)

Music No. 2 "From the Sunny Spanish Shore"

Entrance of Duke, Duchess, Casilda and Luiz

DUKE

From the sunny Spanish shore,

The Duke of Plaza-Tor'--

DUCHESS

And His Grace's Duchess true--

CASILDA

And His Grace's daughter, too--

LUIZ

And His Grace's private drum

To Venetia's shores have come,

To Venetia's shores have come.

ALL

If ever, ever, ever

They get back to Spain,

They will never, never, never

Cross the sea again--

DUKE

Neither that Grandee from the Spanish shore,

The noble Duke of Plaza-Tor'--

DUCHESS

Nor His Grace's Duchess, staunch and true--

CASILDA

You may add, His Grace's daughter, too--

LUIZ

Nor His Grace's own particular drum

To Venetia's shores have come,

To Venetia's shores have come!

ALL

If ever, ever, ever

They get back to Spain,

They will never, never, never

Cross the sea again!

DUKE

At last we have arrived at our destination. This is

the Ducal Palace, and it is here that the Grand Inquisitor

resides. As a Castilian hidalgo of ninety-five quarterings, I

regret that I am unable to pay my state visit on a horse. As a

Castilian hidalgo of that description, I should have preferred to

ride through the streets of Venice; but owing, I presume, to an

unusually wet season, the streets are in such a condition that

equestrian exercise is impracticable. No matter. Where is our

suite?

LUIZ

(coming forward) Your Grace, I am here.

DUCHESS

Why do you not do yourself the honour to kneel when

you address His Grace?

DUKE

My love, it is so small a matter! (To Luiz.) Still,

you may as well do it. (Luiz kneels.)

CASILDA

The young man seems to entertain but an imperfect

appreciation of the respect due from a menial to a Castilian

hidalgo.

DUKE

My child, you are hard upon our suite.

CASILDA

Papa, I've no patience with the presumption of persons

in his plebeian position. If he does not appreciate that

position, let him be whipped until he does.

DUKE

Let us hope the omission was not intended as a

slight. I should be much hurt if I thought it was. So would he.

(To Luiz.) Where are the halberdiers who were to have had the

honour of meeting us here, that our visit to the Grand Inquisitor

might be made in becoming state?

LUIZ

Your Grace, the halberdiers are mercenary people who

stipulated for a trifle on account.

DUKE

How tiresome! Well, let us hope the Grand Inquisitor

is a blind gentleman. And the band who were to have had the

honour of escorting us? I see no band!

LUIZ

Your Grace, the band are sordid persons who required

to be paid in advance.

DUCHESS

That's so like a band!

DUKE

(annoyed) Insuperable difficulties meet me at every

turn!

DUCHESS

But surely they know His Grace?

LUIZ

Exactly--they know His Grace.

DUKE

Well, let us hope that the Grand Inquisitor is a deaf

gentleman. A cornet-a-piston would be something. You do not

happen to possess the accomplishment of tootling like a

cornet-a-piston?

LUIZ

Alas, no, Your Grace! But I can imitate a farmyard.

DUKE

(doubtfully) I don't see how that would help us. I

don't see how we could bring it in.

CASILDA

It would not help us in the least. We are not a

parcel of graziers come to market, dolt!

(Luiz rises.)

DUKE

My love, our suite's feelings! (To Luiz.) Be so

good as to ring the bell and inform the Grand Inquisitor that his

Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Count Matadoro, Baron Picadoro--

DUCHESS

And suite--

DUKE

And suite--have arrived at Venice, and seek--

CASILDA

Desire--

DUCHESS

Demand!

DUKE

And demand an audience.

LUIZ

Your Grace has but to command.

DUKE

(much moved) I felt sure of it--I felt sure of it!

(Exit Luiz into Ducal Palace.) And now, my love--(aside to

Duchess) Shall we tell her? I think so--(aloud to Casilda) And

now, my love, prepare for a magnificent surprise. It is my

agreeable duty to reveal to you a secret which should make you

the happiest young lady in Venice!

CASILDA

A secret?

DUCHESS

A secret which, for State reasons, it has been

necessary to preserve for twenty years.

DUKE

When you were a prattling babe of six months old you

were married by proxy to no less a personage than the infant son

and heir of His Majesty the immeasurably wealthy King of

Barataria!

CASILDA

Married to the infant son of the King of Barataria?

Was I consulted? (Duke shakes his head.) Then it was a most

unpardonable liberty!

DUKE

Consider his extreme youth and forgive him. Shortly

after the ceremony that misguided monarch abandoned the creed of

his forefathers, and became a Wesleyan Methodist of the most

bigoted and persecuting type. The Grand Inquisitor, determined

that the innovation should not be perpetuated in Barataria,

caused your smiling and unconscious husband to be stolen and

conveyed to Venice. A fortnight since the Methodist Monarch and

all his Wesleyan Court were killed in an insurrection, and we are

here to ascertain the whereabouts of your husband, and to hail

you, our daughter, as Her Majesty, the reigning Queen of

Barataria! (Kneels.)

(During this speech Luiz re-enters.)

DUCHESS

Your Majesty! (Kneels.) (Drum roll.)

DUKE

It is at such moments as these that one feels how

necessary it is to travel with a full band.

CASILDA

I, the Queen of Barataria! But I've nothing to wear!

We are practically penniless!

DUKE

That point has not escaped me. Although I am

unhappily in straitened circumstances at present, my social

influence is something enormous; and a Company, to be called the

Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, is in course of formation to work

me. An influential directorate has been secured, and I shall

myself join the Board after allotment.

CASILDA

Am I to understand that the Queen of Barataria may be

called upon at any time to witness her honoured sire in process

of liquidation?

DUCHESS

The speculation is not exempt from that drawback. If

your father should stop, it will, of course, be necessary to wind

him up.

CASILDA

But it's so undignified--it's so degrading! A Grandee

of Spain turned into a public company! Such a thing was never

heard of!

DUKE

My child, the Duke of Plaza-Toro does not follow

fashions--he leads them. He always leads everybody. When he was

in the army he led his regiment. He occasionally led them into

action. He invariably led them out of it.

Music No. 3 "In Enterprise of Martial Kind"

Song-Duke of Plaza-Toro with Duchess, Casilda and Luiz

DUKE

In enterprise of martial kind,

When there was any fighting,

He led his regiment from behind--

He found it less exciting.

But when away his regiment ran,

His place was at the fore, O--

That celebrated,

Cultivated,

Underrated

Nobleman,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL

In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha!

You always found that knight, ha, ha!

That celebrated,

Cultivated,

Underrated

Nobleman,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKE

When, to evade Destruction's hand,

To hide they all proceeded,

No soldier in that gallant band

Hid half as well as he did.

He lay concealed throughout the war,

And so preserved his gore, O!

That unaffected,

Undetected,

Well-connected

Warrior,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL

In every doughty deed, ha, ha!

He always took the lead, ha, ha!

That unaffected,

Undetected,

Well-connected

Warrior,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

DUKE

When told that they would all be shot

Unless they left the service,

That hero hesitated not,

So marvellous his nerve is.

He sent his resignation in,

The first of all his corps, O!

That very knowing,

Overflowing,

Easy-going

Paladin,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

ALL

To men of grosser clay, ha, ha!

He always showed the way, ha, ha!

That very knowing,

Overflowing,

Easy-going

Paladin,

The Duke of Plaza-Toro!

(Exeunt Duke and Duchess into Grand Ducal Palace. As soon as

they have disappeared, Luiz and Casilda rush to each other's

arms.)

Music No. 4 "O, Rapture, When Alone Together"

Recitative and Duet--Casilda and Luiz

BOTH

O rapture, when alone together

Two loving hearts and those that bear them

May join in temporary tether,

Though Fate apart should rudely tear them.

CASILDA

Necessity, Invention's mother,

Compelled me to a course of feigning--

But, left alone with one another,

I will atone for my disdaining!

Ah, well-beloved,

Mine angry frown

Is but a gown

That serves to dress

My gentleness!

LUIZ

Ah, well-beloved,

Thy cold disdain,

It gives no pain--

'Tis mercy, played

In masquerade!

Ah, well beloved!

BOTH

Ah, well-beloved, etc.

CASILDA

O Luiz, Luiz--what have you said? What have I done?

What have I allowed you to do?

LUIZ

Nothing, I trust, that you will ever have reason to

repent. (Offering to embrace her.)

CASILDA

(withdrawing from him). Nay, Luiz, it may not be. I

have embraced you for the last time.

LUIZ

(amazed) Casilda!

CASILDA

I have just learnt, to my surprise and indignation,

that I was wed in babyhood to the infant son of the King of

Barataria!

LUIZ

The son of the King of Barataria? The child who was

stolen in infancy by the Inquisition?

CASILDA

The same. But, of course, you know his story.

LUIZ

Know his story? Why, I have often told you that my

mother was the nurse to whose charge he was entrusted!

CASILDA

True. I had forgotten. Well, he has been discovered,

and my father has brought me here to claim his hand.

LUIZ

But you will not recognize this marriage? It took

place when you were too young to understand its import.

CASILDA

Nay, Luiz, respect my principles and cease to torture

me with vain entreaties. Henceforth my life is another's.

LUIZ

But stay--the present and the future--they are

another's; but the past--that at least is ours, and none can take

it from us. As we may revel in naught else, let us revel in

that!

CASILDA

I don't think I grasp your meaning.

LUIZ

Yet it is logical enough. You say you cease to love

me?

CASILDA

(demurely). I say I may not love you.

LUIZ

Ah, but you do not say you did not love me?

CASILDA

I loved you with a frenzy that words are powerless to

express--and that but ten brief minutes since!

LUIZ

Exactly. My own--that is, until ten minutes since,

my own--my lately loved, my recently adored--tell me that until,

say a quarter of an hour ago, I was all in all to thee!

(Embracing her.)

CASILDA

I see your idea. It's ingenious, but don't do that.

(Releasing herself.)

LUIZ

There can be no harm in revelling in the past.

CASILDA

None whatever, but an embrace cannot be taken to act

retrospectively.

LUIZ

Perhaps not!

[Cut from Chappell version:]

CASILDA

We may recollect an embrace--I recollect many--but we

must not repeat them.

LUIZ

Then let us recollect a few! (A moment's pause, as

they recollect, then both heave a deep sigh.)

[End of cut]

LUIZ

Ah, Casilda, you were to me as the sun is to the

earth!

[Cut from Chappell version:]

CASILDA

A quarter of an hour ago?

LUIZ

About that.

CASILDA

And to think that, but for this miserable discovery,

you would have been my own for life!

LUIZ

Through life to death--a quarter of an hour ago!

CASILDA

How greedily my thirsty ears would have drunk the

golden melody of those sweet words a quarter--well, it's now

about twenty minutes since. (Looking at her watch.)

LUIZ

About that. In such a matter one cannot be too

precise.

[End of cut]

CASILDA

And now our love, so full of life, is but a silent,

solemn memory!

LUIZ

Must it be so, Casilda?

CASILDA

Luiz, it must be so!

Music No. 5 "There Was A Time"

Duet (Casilda and Luiz)

LUIZ

There was a time--

A time for ever gone--ah, woe is me!

It was no crime

To love but thee alone--ah, woe is me!

One heart, one life, one soul,

One aim, one goal--

Each in the other's thrall,

Each all in all, ah, woe is me!

Ah, woe is me!

BOTH

Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er

The days that were--that never will be more!

Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn,

And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem!

CASILDA

Dead as the last year's leaves--

As gathered flowers--ah, woe is me!

Dead as the garnered sheaves,

That love of ours--ah, woe is me!

Born but to fade and die

When hope was high,

Dead and as far away

As yesterday!--ah, woe is me!

BOTH

Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er, etc.

(Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the Duke and Duchess, followed by

Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor.)

DUKE

My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction

Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was

His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant

husband and brought him to Venice.

DON ALHAMBRA

So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly

called upon to assume the functions of Royalty! And a very nice

little lady, too!

DUKE

Jimp, isn't she?

DON ALHAMBRA

Distinctly jimp. Allow me! (Offers his hand. She

turns away scornfully.) Naughty temper!

DUKE

You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is

a little turned by her access of dignity.

DON ALHAMBRA

I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of

dignity had turned it in this direction.

DUCHESS

Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to

be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts.

CASILDA

(aside). A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may

yet be saved!

DON ALHAMBRA

A doubt? Oh dear, no--no doubt at all! He is

here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a

gondolier. I can give you his address--I see him every day! In

the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no

circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any

kind whatever! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it.

Music No. 6 "I Stole the Prince"

Song (Don Alhambra, with Duke, Duchess, Casilda, and Luiz)

DON ALHAMBRA

I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,

And left him gaily prattling

With a highly respectable gondolier,

Who promised the Royal babe to rear,

And teach him the trade of a timoneer

With his own beloved bratling.

Both of the babes were strong and stout,

And, considering all things, clever.

Of that there is no manner of doubt--

No probable, possible shadow of doubt--

No possible doubt whatever.

ALL except DON ALHAMBRA

No possible doubt whatever.

DON ALHAMBRA

But owing, I'm much disposed to fear,

To his terrible taste for tippling,

That highly respectable gondolier

Could never declare with a mind sincere

Which of the two was his offspring dear,

And which the Royal stripling!

Which was which he could never make out

Despite his best endeavour.

Of that there is no manner of doubt--

No probable, possible shadow of doubt--

No possible doubt whatever.

ALL except DON ALHAMBRA

No possible doubt whatever.

DON ALHAMBRA

Time sped, and when at the end of a year

I sought that infant cherished,

That highly respectable gondolier

Was lying a corpse on his humble bier--

I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear--

That gondolier had perished.

A taste for drink, combined with gout,

Had doubled him up for ever.

Of that there is no manner of doubt--

No probable, possible shadow of doubt--

No possible doubt whatever.

ALL except DON ALHAMBRA

No possible doubt whatever.

DON ALHAMBRA

The children followed his old career--

(This statement can't be parried)

Of a highly respectable gondolier:

Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)--

But which of the two is not quite clear--

Is the Royal Prince you married!

Search in and out and round about,

And you'll discover never

A tale so free from every doubt--

All probable, possible shadow of doubt--

All possible doubt whatever!

ALL except DON ALHAMBRA

A tale free from every doubt, etc.

CASILDA

Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of

two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which?

DON ALHAMBRA

Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be

reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the

mother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that

delicately modulated instrument (indicating the drum). She can,

no doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question.

LUIZ

Heavens, how did he know that?

DON ALHAMBRA

My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to

date. (To Casilda) His mother is at present the wife of a highly

respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an

extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Accompanied

by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's

address. She will return with them, and if she finds any

difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the

torture chamber will jog her memory.

Music No. 7 "But Bless My Heart"

Recitative (Casilda and Don Alhambra)

CASILDA

But, bless my heart, consider my position!

I am the wife of one, that's very clear;

But who can tell, except by intuition,

Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier?

DON ALHAMBRA

Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle:

Such complications frequently occur--

Life is one closely complicated tangle:

Death is the only true unraveller!

Music No. 8 "Try We Lifelong"

Quintet (Duke, Duchess, Casilda, Luiz, and Grand Inquisitor)

ALL

Try we life-long, we can never

Straighten out life's tangled skein,

Why should we, in vain endeavour,

Guess and guess and guess again?

LUIZ

Life's a pudding full of plums,

DUCHESS

Care's a canker that benumbs.

ALL

Life's a pudding full of plums,

Care's a canker that benumbs.

Wherefore waste our elocution

On impossible solution?

Life's a pleasant institution,

Let us take it as it comes,

Let us take it as it comes!

Set aside the dull enigma,

We shall guess it all too soon;

Failure brings no kind of stigma--

Dance we to another tune!

String the lyre and fill the cup,

Lest on sorrow we should sup.

String the lyre, fill the cup,

Lest on sorrow we should sup.

Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,

Hands across and down the middle--

Life's perhaps the only riddle

That we shrink from giving up! etc.

(Exeunt all into Ducal Palace except Luiz, who goes off in

gondola.)

(Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by Marco, Gianetta,

Giuseppe, and Tessa.)

Music No. 9 "Bridegroom And Bride"

Chorus with Solo (Tessa) "When A Merry Maiden Marries"

CHORUS

Bridegroom and bride!

Knot that's insoluble,

Voices all voluble

Hail it with pride.

Bridegroom and bride!

We in sincerity,

Wish you prosperity,

Bridegroom and bride!

We in sincerity,

Wish you prosperity,

Bridegroom and bride!

Bridegroom and bride!

TESSA

When a merry maiden marries,

Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;

Every sound becomes a song--

All is right, and nothing's wrong!

From to-day and ever after

Let our tears be tears of laughter.

Every sigh that finds a vent

Be a sigh of sweet content!

When you marry, merry maiden,

Then the air with love is laden;

Every flower is a rose,

Every goose becomes a swan,

Every kind of trouble goes

Where the last year's snows have gone!

TESSA and CHORUS

Sunlight takes the place of shade

When you marry merry maid!

(When a merry maiden marries,)

(Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;)

Every sound becomes a song,

All is right and nothing's wrong!

TESSA

When a merry maiden marries,

Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;

Every sound becomes a song--

All is right, and nothing's wrong!

Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow

Get ye gone until to-morrow;

Jealousies in grim array,

Ye are things of yesterday!

When you marry, merry maiden,

Then the air with joy is laden;

All the corners of the earth

Ring with music sweetly played,

Worry is melodious mirth,

Grief is joy in masquerade;

TESSA and CHORUS

Sullen night is laughing day

All the year is merry May!

(At the end of the song, Don Alhambra enters at back. The

Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off,

much alarmed.)

GIUSEPPE

And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest!

What's a bachelor? A mere nothing--he's a chrysalis. He can't

be said to live--he exists.

MARCO

What a delightful institution marriage is! Why have

we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten years ago?

TESSA

Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough.

GIANETTA

Because you were waiting for us.

MARCO

I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting for

you without knowing it. (Don Alhambra comes forward.) Hallo!

DON ALHAMBRA

Good morning.

GIUSEPPE

If this gentleman is an undertaker, it's a bad omen.

DON ALHAMBRA

Ceremony of some sort going on?

GIUSEPPE

(aside). He is an undertaker! (Aloud.) No--a little

unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line.

DON ALHAMBRA

Somebody's birthday, I suppose?

GIANETTA

Yes, mine!

TESSA

And mine!

MARCO

And mine!

GIUSEPPE

And mine!

DON ALHAMBRA

Curious coincidence! And how old may you all be?

TESSA

It's a rude question--but about ten minutes.

DON ALHAMBRA

Remarkably fine children! But surely you are

jesting?

TESSA

In other words, we were married about ten minutes

since.

DON ALHAMBRA

Married! You don't mean to say you are married?

MARCO

Oh yes, we are married.

DON ALHAMBRA

What, both of you?

ALL

All four of us.

DON ALHAMBRA

(aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward!

GIANETTA

You don't mind, I suppose?

TESSA

You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I

presume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him--he was. He's heart-broken!

DON ALHAMBRA

No, no, I wasn't! I wasn't!

GIUSEPPE

Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want

anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's

satisfied--you can go!

DON ALHAMBRA

You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I

don't think you know who I am.

GIUSEPPE

Not we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of

Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans,

heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor

oppression, we abhor kings: as we detest vain-glory, we detest

rank: as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are

Venetian gondoliers--your equals in everything except our

calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.

DON ALHAMBRA

Bless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be

Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the

other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King

of Barataria.

ALL

What!

DON ALHAMBRA

And I trust--I trust it was that one who slapped me

on the shoulder and called me his man!

GIUSEPPE

One of us a king! [Together]

MARCO

Not brothers! [Together]

TESSA

The King of Barataria! [Together]

GIANETTA

Well, who'd have thought it! [Together]

MARCO

But which is it?

DON ALHAMBRA

What does it matter? As you are both Republicans,

and hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once.

Good morning! (Going.)

GIANETTA and TESSA

Oh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop him.)

GIUSEPPE

Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.

When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.

DON ALHAMBRA

I see. It's a delicate distinction.

GIUSEPPE

Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king--an ideal

king--the creature of my fancy, you know--who would be absolutely

unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes

and make everything cheap, except gondolas--

MARCO

And give a great many free entertainments to the

gondoliers--

GIUSEPPE

And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage

all the gondolas for the occasion--

MARCO

And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers.

GIUSEPPE

Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if

I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.

MARCO

And so would I!

DON ALHAMBRA

Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not

insuperable.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Oh, they're not insuperable.

GIANETTA and TESSA

No, they're not insuperable.

GIUSEPPE

Besides, we are open to conviction.

GIANETTA

Yes; they are open to conviction.

TESSA

Oh! they've often been convicted.

GIUSEPPE

Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient

grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a

very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to

conviction.

TESSA

(to Gianetta). Oh, he's a fine fellow!

GIANETTA

Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money!

DON ALHAMBRA

Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the

country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary

that you should assume the reins of Government at once; and,

until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have

arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can

arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts.

MARCO

As one individual?

DON ALHAMBRA

As one individual.

GIUSEPPE

(linking himself with Marco). Like this?

DON ALHAMBRA

Something like that.

MARCO

And we may take our friends with us, and give them

places about the Court?

DON ALHAMBRA

Undoubtedly. That's always done!

MARCO

I'm convinced!

GIUSEPPE

So am I!

TESSA

Then the sooner we're off the better.

GIANETTA

We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)--

DON ALHAMBRA

Stop, stop--that won't do at all--ladies are not

admitted.

ALL

What!

DON ALHAMBRA

Not admitted. Not at present. Afterwards,

perhaps. We'll see.

GIUSEPPE

Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate

us from our wives?

DON ALHAMBRA

(aside). This is very awkward! (Aloud.) Only for

a time--a few months. Alter all, what is a few months?

TESSA

But we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps.)

FINALE ACT 1

Music No. 10 "Kind Sir, You Cannot Have the Heart"

SONG--GIANETTA

Kind sir, you cannot have the heart

Our lives to part

From those to whom an hour ago

We were united!

Before our flowing hopes you stem,

Ah, look at them,

And pause before you deal this blow,

All uninvited!

You men can never understand

That heart and hand

Cannot be separated when

We go a-yearning;

You see, you've only women's eyes

To idolize

And only women's hearts, poor men,

To set you burning!

Ah me, you men will never understand

That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

Some kind of charm you seem to find

In womankind--

Some source of unexplained delight

(Unless you're jesting),

But what attracts you, I confess,

I cannot guess,

To me a woman's face is quite

Uninteresting!

If from my sister I were torn,

It could be borne--

I should, no doubt, be horrified,

But I could bear it;-- (weeps)

But Marco's quite another thing--

He is my King,

He has my heart and none beside

Shall ever share it!

Ah me, you men will never understand

That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA

Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief,

Your separation will be very brief.

To ascertain which is the King

And which the other,

To Barataria's Court I'll bring

His foster-mother;

Her former nurseling to declare

She'll be delighted.

That settled, let each happy pair

Be reunited.

MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA

Viva! His argument is strong!

Viva! We'll not be parted long!

Viva! It will be settled soon!

Viva! Then comes our honeymoon!

Viva! Viva! Viva!

(Exit Don Alhambra.)

Quartet (Marco, Giuseppe, Gianetta and Tessa)

GIANETTA

Then one of us will be a Queen,

And sit on a golden throne,

With a crown instead

Of a hat on her head,

And diamonds all her own!

With a beautiful robe of gold and green,

I've always understood;

I wonder whether

She'd wear a feather?

I rather think she should!

ALL

Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,

To be a regular Royal Queen!

No half-and-half affair, I mean,

No half-and-half affair,

But a right-down regular, regular, regular, regular Royal Queen!

MARCO

She'll drive about in a carriage and pair,

With the King on her left-hand side,

And a milk-white horse,

As a matter of course!

Whenever she wants to ride!

With beautiful silver shoes to wear

Upon her dainty feet;

With endless stocks

Of beautiful frocks

And as much as she wants to eat!

ALL

Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

TESSA

Whenever she condescends to walk,

Be sure she'll shine at that,

With her haughty stare

And her nose in the air,

Like a well-born aristocrat!

At elegant high society talk

She'll bear away the bell,

With her "How de do?"

And her "How are you?"

And "I trust I see you well!"

ALL

Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

GIUSEPPE

And noble lords will scrape and bow,

And double themselves in two,

And open their eyes

In blank surprise

At whatever she likes to do.

And everybody will roundly vow

She's fair as flowers in May,

And say, "How clever!"

At whatsoever

She condescends to say!

ALL

Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,

To be a regular Royal Queen!

No half-and-half affair, I mean,

But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

(Dance)

(Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine)

CHORUS

Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity?

This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?

Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?

Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality?

MARCO and GIUSEPPE (alternately)

Replying, we / sing

As / one indi- / -vidual,

As I / find I'm a / King,

To my / kingdom I / bid you all.

I'm a- / -ware you ob- / -ject

To pa- / -vilions and / palaces,

But you'll / find I re- / -spect

Your Re- / -publican / fallacies.

You'll / find I re- / -spect

Your Re- / -publican / fallacies.

CHORUS

As they know we object

To pavilions and palaces,

How can they respect

Our Republican fallacies?

SONG--MARCO and GIUSEPPE

MARCO

For every one who feels inclined,

Some post we undertake to find

Congenial with his frame of mind--

And all shall equal be.

GIUSEPPE

The Chancellor in his peruke--

The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,

The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook--

They all shall equal be.

MARCO

The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts--

The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots--

The Aristocrat who cleans our boots--

They all shall equal be!

GIUSEPPE

The Noble Lord who rules the State--

The Noble Lord who cleans the plate--

MARCO

The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate--

They all shall equal be!

GIUSEPPE

The Lord High Bishop orthodox--

The Lord High Coachman on the box--

MARCO

The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--

They all shall equal be!

BOTH

For every one who feels inclined,

Some post we undertake to find

Congenial with his frame of mind,

Congenial with his frame of mind,

And all shall equal be.

Sing high, sing low,

Wherever they go,

Sing high, sing low,

Wherever they go,

Wherever they go, wherever they go,

They all shall equal be!

CHORUS

Sing high, sing low,

Wherever they go,

Sing high, sing low,

Wherever they go,

Wherever they go, wherever they go,

They all shall equal be!

The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,

The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook,

The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts,

The Aristocrat who cleans the boots,

The Noble Lord who rules the State,

The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate,

The Lord High Bishop orthodox,

The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--

For ev'ryone who feels inclined,

Some post they undertake to find

Congenial with his frame of mind,

Congenial with his frame of mind,

And all shall equal be.

Then hail! O King,

Whichever you may be,

To you we sing,

But do not bend the knee.

Then hail! hail! O King.

Hail! O King, Hail! O King!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE (Recitative)

Come, let's away--our island crown awaits me--

Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart!

The thought of Royal dignity elates me,

But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

(Addressing Gianetta and Tessa)

GIANETTA and TESSA (Recitative)

Farewell, my love; on board you must be getting!

But while upon the sea you gaily roam,

Remember that a heart for thee is fretting--

The tender little heart you've left at home!

GIANETTA

Now, Marco dear,

My wishes hear:

While you're away

It's understood

You will be good

And not too gay.

To every trace

Of maiden grace

You will be blind,

And will not glance

By any chance

On womankind!

If you are wise,

You'll shut your eyes

Till we arrive,

And not address

A lady less

Than forty-five.

You'll please to frown

On every gown

That you may see;

And, O my pet,

You won't forget

You've married me!

And O my darling, O my pet,

Whatever else you may forget,

In yonder isle beyond the sea,

Do not forget, do not forget you've married me!

TESSA

You'll lay your head

Upon your bed

At set of sun.

You will not sing

Of anything

To any one.

You'll sit and mope

All day, I hope,

And shed a tear

Upon the life

Your little wife

Is passing here.

And if so be

You think of me,

Please tell the moon!

I'll read it all

In rays that fall

On the lagoon:

You'll be so kind

As tell the wind

How you may be,

And send me words

By little birds

To comfort me!

And O my darling, O my pet,

Whatever else you may forget,

In yonder isle beyond the sea,

Do not forget you've married me!

QUARTET.

Oh my darling, O my pet, etc.

(during which a "Xebeque" is hauled alongside the quay.)

CHORUS

Then away we/they go to an island fair

That lies in a Southern sea:

We know not where, and we don't much care

Wherever that isle may be.

THE MEN

(hauling on boat).

One, two, three, Haul!

One, two, three, Haul!

One, two, three, Haul!

With a will!

ALL

When the breezes are blowing

The ship will be going,

When they don't we shall/they will all stand still!

Then away we/they go to an island fair,

We know not where, and we don't much care,

Wherever that isle may be.

MARCO, GIUSEPPE, GIANETTA, TESSA and CHORUS

MARCO

Away we go

To a balmy isle,

Where the roses blow

All the winter while.

ALL

Away, away etc.

(hoisting sail)

ALL

Then away we/they go to an island fair

That lies in a Southern sea:

Then away we/they go to an island fair,

Then away, then away, then away,

Then away, away!

(The men embark on the "Xebeque." Marco and Giuseppe embracing

Gianetta and Tessa. The girls wave a farewell to the men as the

curtain falls.)

END OF ACT I

ACT II

SCENE--Pavilion in the Court of Barataria.

Marco and Giuseppe, magnificently dressed, are seated on two thrones,

occupied in cleaning the crown and the sceptre. The Gondoliers

are discovered, dressed, some as courtiers, officers of rank,

etc., and others as private soldiers and servants of various

degrees. All are enjoying themselves without reference to social

distinctions--some playing cards, others throwing dice, some

reading, others playing cup and ball, "morra", etc.

Music No. 1 "Of Happiness The Very Pith"

Chorus of Men (with Marco and Giuseppe)

ALL

Of happiness the very pith

In Barataria you may see:

A monarchy that's tempered with

Republican Equality.

BASSES

This form of government we find

The beau ideal of its kind--

TENORS

A despotism strict combined

With absolute equality!

With absolute equality!

ALL

Of happiness the very pith

In Barataria you may see:

A monarchy that's tempered with

Republican Equality.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Two kings, of undue pride bereft,

Who act in perfect unity,

Whom you can order right and left

With absolute impunity.

Who put their subjects at their ease

By doing all they can to please!

And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,

Seize every opportunity.

And thus, to earn their bread-and-cheese,

Seize every opportunity.

Ah! We act in perfect unity,

Ah! We act in perfect unity!

CHORUS

Of happiness the very pith, etc.

MARCO

Gentlemen, we are much obliged to you for your

expressions of satisfaction and good feeling--I say, we are much

obliged to you for your expressions of satisfaction and good

feeling.

ALL

We heard you.

MARCO

We are delighted, at any time, to fall in with

sentiments so charmingly expressed.

ALL

That's all right.

GIUSEPPE

At the same time there is just one little grievance

that we should like to ventilate.

ALL

(angrily) What?

GIUSEPPE

Don't be alarmed--it's not serious. It is arranged

that, until it is decided which of us two is the actual King, we

are to act as one person.

GIORGIO

Exactly.

GIUSEPPE

Now, although we act as one person, we are, in point

of fact, two persons.

ANNIBALE

Ah, I don't think we can go into that. It is a

legal fiction, and legal fictions are solemn things. Situated as

we are, we can't recognize two independent responsibilities.

GIUSEPPE

No; but you can recognize two independent appetites.

It's all very well to say we act as one person, but when you

supply us with only one ration between us, I should describe it

as a legal fiction carried a little too far.

ANNIBALE

It's rather a nice point. I don't like to express an

opinion off-hand. Suppose we reserve it for argument before the

full Court?

MARCO

Yes, but what are we to do in the meantime?

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

We want our tea.

ANNIBALE

I think we may make an interim order for double

rations on their Majesties entering into the usual undertaking to

indemnify in the event of an adverse decision?

GIORGIO

That, I think, will meet the case. But you must work

hard--stick to it--nothing like work.

GIUSEPPE

Oh, certainly. We quite understand that a man who

holds the magnificent position of King should do something to

justify it. We are called "Your Majesty"; we are allowed to buy

ourselves magnificent clothes; our subjects frequently nod to us

in the streets; the sentries always return our salutes; and we

enjoy the inestimable privilege of heading the subscription lists

to all the principal charities. In return for these advantages

the least we can do is to make ourselves useful about the Palace.

Music No. 2 "Rising Early In The Morning"

Song (Giuseppe with Chorus)

GIUSEPPE

Rising early in the morning,

We proceed to light the fire,

Then our Majesty adorning

In its workaday attire,

We embark without delay

On the duties of the day.

First, we polish off some batches

Of political despatches,

And foreign politicians circumvent;

Then, if business isn't heavy,

We may hold a Royal levee,

Or ratify some Acts of Parliament.

Then we probably review the household troops--

With the usual "Shalloo humps!" and "Shalloo hoops!"

Or receive with ceremonial and state

An interesting Eastern potentate.

After that we generally

Go and dress our private valet--

(It's a rather nervous duty--he's a touchy little man)--

Write some letters literary

For our private secretary--

He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.

Then, in view of cravings inner,

We go down and order dinner;

Then we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate--

Spend an hour in titivating

All our Gentlemen-in-Waiting;

Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

Oh, philosophers may sing

Of the troubles of a King;

Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great;

But the privilege and pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State.

CHORUS

Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.

GIUSEPPE

After luncheon (making merry

On a bun and glass of sherry),

If we've nothing in particular to do,

We may make a Proclamation,

Or receive a deputation--

Then we possibly create a Peer or two.

Then we help a fellow-creature on his path

With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath,

Or we dress and toddle off in semi-state

To a festival, a function, or a fete.

Then we go and stand as sentry

At the Palace (private entry),

Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro,

While the warrior on duty

Goes in search of beer and beauty

(And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go).

He relieves us, if he's able,

Just in time to lay the table,

Then we dine and serve the coffee, and at half-past twelve or one,

With a pleasure that's emphatic,

We retire to our attic

With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

Oh, philosophers may sing

Of the troubles of a King,

But of pleasures there are many and of worries there are none;

And the culminating pleasure

That we treasure beyond measure

Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done!

CHORUS

Oh, philosophers may sing, etc.

(Exeunt all but Marco and Giuseppe)

GIUSEPPE

Yes, it really is a very pleasant existence. They're

all so singularly kind and considerate. You don't find them

wanting to do this, or wanting to do that, or saying "It's my

turn now." No, they let us have all the fun to ourselves, and

never seem to grudge it.

MARCO

It makes one feel quite selfish. It almost seems like

taking advantage of their good nature.

GIUSEPPE

How nice they were about the double rations.

MARCO

Most considerate. Ah! there's only one thing wanting

to make us thoroughly comfortable.

GIUSEPPE

And that is?

MARCO

The dear little wives we left behind us three months

ago.

GIUSEPPE

Yes, it is dull without female society. We can do

without everything else, but we can't do without that.

MARCO

And if we have that in perfection, we have everything.

There is only one recipe for perfect happiness.

Music No. 3 "Take A Pair Of Sparkling Eyes"

Song (Marco)

MARCO

Take a pair of sparkling eyes,

Hidden, ever and anon,

In a merciful eclipse--

Do not heed their mild surprise--

Having passed the Rubicon,

Take a pair of rosy lips;

Take a figure trimly planned--

Such as admiration whets--

(Be particular in this);

Take a tender little hand,

Fringed with dainty fingerettes,

Press it, press it--in parenthesis;--

Ah! Take all these, you lucky man--

Take and keep them, if you can, if you can!

Take all these, you lucky man--

Take and keep them, if you can!

If you can!

Take a pretty little cot--

Quite a miniature affair--

Hung about with trellised vine,

Furnish it upon the spot

With the treasures rich and rare

I've endeavoured to define.

Live to love and love to live--

You will ripen at your ease,

Growing on the sunny side--

Fate has nothing more to give.

You're a dainty man to please

If you are not satisfied, not satisfied,

Ah! Take my counsel, happy man;

Act upon it, if you can, if you can!

Take my counsel, happy man;

Act upon it, if you can, if you can!

Take my counsel, happy man;

Act upon it if you can.

If you can, if you can.

Act upon it if you can, happy man, if you can!

(Enter Chorus of Contadine, running in, led by Fiametta and

Vittoria. They are met by all the Ex-Gondoliers, who welcome

them heartily.)

Music No. 4 "Here We Are At The Risk"

Scena (Chorus of Girls, Quartet, Duet and Chorus)

CHORUS OF GIRLS

Here we are, at the risk of our lives,

From ever so far, and we've brought your wives--

And to that end we've crossed the main,

And don't intend to return again! etc.

FIAMETTA

Though obedience is strong,

Curiosity's stronger--

We waited for long,

Till we couldn't wait longer.

VITTORIA

It's imprudent, we know,

But without your society

Existence was slow,

And we wanted variety--

BOTH

Existence was slow, and we wanted variety,

Yes, we wanted variety.

ALL

So here we are, at the risk of our lives,

And we've brought your wives--

And to that end, to that end, we've crossed the main,

And don't, don't intend to return again!

(Enter Gianetta and Tessa. They rush to the arms of Marco and

Giuseppe.)

GIUSEPPE

Tessa! [All embrace]

TESSA

Giuseppe! [All embrace]

GIANETTA

Marco! [All embrace]

MARCO

Gianetta! [All embrace]

TESSA and GIANETTA

TESSA

After sailing to this island--

GIANETTA

Tossing in a manner frightful,

TESSA

We are all once more on dry land--

GIANETTA

And we find the change delightful,

TESSA

As at home we've been remaining--

We've not seen you both for ages,

GIANETTA

Tell me, are you fond of reigning?--

How's the food, and what's the wages?

TESSA

Does your new employment please ye?--

GIANETTA

How does Royalizing strike you?

TESSA

Is it difficult or easy?--

GIANETTA

Do you think your subjects like you?

TESSA

I am anxious to elicit,

Is it plain and easy steering?

GIANETTA

Take it altogether, is it

Better fun than gondoliering?

BOTH

We shall both go on requesting

Till you tell us, never doubt it;

Everything is interesting,

Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS

They will both go on requesting, etc.

TESSA

Is the populace exacting?

GIANETTA

Do they keep you at a distance?

TESSA

All unaided are you acting,

GIANETTA

Or do they provide assistance?

TESSA

When you're busy, have you got to

Get up early in the morning?

GIANETTA

If you do what you ought not to,

Do they give the usual warning?

TESSA

With a horse do they equip you?

GIANETTA

Lots of trumpeting and drumming?

TESSA

Do the Royal tradesmen tip you?

GIANETTA

Ain't the livery becoming!

TESSA

Does your human being inner

Feed on everything that nice is?

GIANETTA

Do they give you wine for dinner;

Peaches, sugar-plums, and ices?

BOTH

We shall both go on requesting

Till you tell us, never doubt it;

Everything is interesting,

Tell us, tell us all about it!

CHORUS

They'll go on requesting, etc.

BOTH with CHORUS

We shall both go on requesting, etc.

MARCO

This is indeed a most delightful surprise!

TESSA

Yes, we thought you'd like it. You see, it was like

this. After you left we felt very dull and mopey, and the days

crawled by, and you never wrote; so at last I said to Gianetta,

"I can't stand this any longer; those two poor Monarchs haven't

got any one to mend their stockings or sew on their buttons or

patch their clothes--at least, I hope they haven't--let us all

pack up a change and go and see how they're getting on." And she

said, "Done," and they all said, "Done"; and we asked old Giacopo

to lend us his boat, and he said, "Done"; and we've crossed the

sea, and, thank goodness, that's done; and here we are,

and--and--I've done!

GIANETTA

And now--which of you is King?

TESSA

And which of us is Queen?

GIUSEPPE

That we shan't know until Nurse turns up. But never

mind that--the question is, how shall we celebrate the

commencement of our honeymoon? Gentlemen, will you allow us to

offer you a magnificent banquet?

ALL

We will!

GIUSEPPE

Thanks very much; and, ladies, what do you say to a

dance?

TESSA

A banquet and a dance! Oh, it's too much happiness!

Music No. 5 "Dance A Cachucha"

Chorus and Dance

ALL

Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,

Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero--

Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

GIRLS

To the pretty pitter, pitter, patter,

And the clitter, clitter, clitter, clatter--

Clitter, clitter, clatter,

Pitter, pitter, patter,

Clitter, clitter, clatter,

Clitter, clitter, clatter,

MEN

To the pretty pitter, pitter, patter,

And the clitter, clitter, clitter, clatter--

GIRLS

Pitter, pitter, pitter,

Patter, patter, patter, patter, we'll dance

ALL

Old Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero;

For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

The reckless delight of that wildest of dances,

that wildest of dances, The reckless delight!

Dance a cachucha, fandango, bolero,

Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero--

Wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

Old Xeres we'll drink--Manzanilla, Montero;

For wine, when it runs in abundance, enhances

The reckless delight of that wildest of dances,

The reckless delight of that wildest of dances!

(Cachucha)

(The dance is interrupted by the unexpected appearance of Don

Alhambra, who looks on with astonishment. Marco and Giuseppe

appear embarrassed. The others run off, except Drummer Boy, who

is driven off by Don Alhambra.)

DON ALHAMBRA

Good evening. Fancy ball?

GIUSEPPE

No, not exactly. A little friendly dance. That's

all. Sorry you're late.

DON ALHAMBRA

But I saw a groom dancing, and a footman!

MARCO

Yes. That's the Lord High Footman.

DON ALHAMBRA

And, dear me, a common little drummer boy!

GIUSEPPE

Oh no! That's the Lord High Drummer Boy.

DON ALHAMBRA

But surely, surely the servants'-hall is the place

for these gentry?

GIUSEPPE

Oh dear no! We have appropriated the servants'-hall.

It's the Royal Apartment, and accessible only by tickets

obtainable at the Lord Chamberlain's office.

MARCO

We really must have some place that we can call our

own.

DON ALHAMBRA

(puzzled). I'm afraid I'm not quite equal to the

intellectual pressure of the conversation.

GIUSEPPE

You see, the Monarchy has been re-modelled on

Republican principles.

DON ALHAMBRA

What!

GIUSEPPE

All departments rank equally, and everybody is at the

head of his department.

DON ALHAMBRA

I see.

MARCO

I'm afraid you're annoyed.

DON ALHAMBRA

No. I won't say that. It's not quite what I

expected.

GIUSEPPE

I'm awfully sorry.

MARCO

So am I.

GIUSEPPE

By the by, can I offer you anything after your voyage?

A plate of macaroni and a rusk?

DON ALHAMBRA

(preoccupied). No, no--nothing--nothing.

GIUSEPPE

Obliged to be careful?

DON ALHAMBRA

Yes--gout. You see, in every Court there are

distinctions that must be observed.

GIUSEPPE

(puzzled). There are, are there?

DON ALHAMBRA

Why, of course. For instance, you wouldn't have a

Lord High Chancellor play leapfrog with his own cook.

MARCO

Why not?

DON ALHAMBRA

Why not! Because a Lord High Chancellor is a

personage of great dignity, who should never, under any

circumstances, place himself in the position of being told to

tuck in his tuppenny, except by noblemen of his own rank. A Lord

High Archbishop, for instance, might tell a Lord High Chancellor

to tuck in his tuppenny, but certainly not a cook, gentlemen,

certainly not a cook.

GIUSEPPE

Not even a Lord High Cook?

DON ALHAMBRA

My good friend, that is a rank that is not

recognized at the Lord Chamberlain's office. No, no, it won't

do. I'll give you an instance in which the experiment was tried.

Music No. 6 "There Lived A King"

Song (Don Alhambra, with Marco and Giuseppe)

DON ALHAMBRA

There lived a King, as I've been told,

In the wonder-working days of old,

When hearts were twice as good as gold,

And twenty times as mellow.

Good-temper triumphed in his face,

And in his heart he found a place

For all the erring human race

And every wretched fellow.

When he had Rhenish wine to drink

It made him very sad to think

That some, at junket or at jink,

Must be content with toddy.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

With toddy, must be content with toddy.

DON ALHAMBRA

He wished all men as rich as he

(And he was rich as rich could be),

So to the top of every tree

Promoted everybody.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Now, that's the kind of King for me.

He wished all men as rich as he,

So to the top of every tree

Promoted everybody!

DON ALHAMBRA

Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats,

And Bishops in their shovel hats

Were plentiful as tabby cats--

In point of fact, too many.

Ambassadors cropped up like hay,

Prime Ministers and such as they

Grew like asparagus in May,

And Dukes were three a penny.

On every side Field-Marshals gleamed,

Small beer were Lords-Lieutenant deemed,

With Admirals the ocean teemed

All round his wide dominions.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

With Admirals all round his wide dominions.

DON ALHAMBRA

And Party Leaders you might meet

In twos and threes in every street

Maintaining, with no little heat,

Their various opinions.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Now that's a sight you couldn't beat--

Two Party Leaders in each street

Maintaining, with no little heat,

Their various opinions.

DON ALHAMBRA

That King, although no one denies

His heart was of abnormal size,

Yet he'd have acted otherwise

If he had been acuter.

The end is easily foretold,

When every blessed thing you hold

Is made of silver, or of gold,

You long for simple pewter.

When you have nothing else to wear

But cloth of gold and satins rare,

For cloth of gold you cease to care--

Up goes the price of shoddy.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Of shoddy, up goes the price of shoddy.

DON ALHAMBRA

In short, whoever you may be,

To this conclusion you'll agree,

When every one is somebodee,

Then no one's anybody!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Now that's as plain as plain can be,

To this conclusion we agree--

ALL

When every one is somebodee,

Then no one's anybody!

(Gianetta and Tessa enter unobserved. The two girls, impelled by

curiosity, remain listening at the back of the stage.)

DON ALHAMBRA

And now I have some important news to communicate.

His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Her Grace the Duchess, and

their beautiful daughter Casilda--I say their beautiful daughter

Casilda--

GIUSEPPE

We heard you.

DON ALHAMBRA

Have arrived at Barataria, and may be here at any

moment.

MARCO

The Duke and Duchess are nothing to us.

DON ALHAMBRA

But the daughter--the beautiful daughter! Aha!

Oh, you're a lucky dog, one of you!

GIUSEPPE

I think you're a very incomprehensible old gentleman.

DON ALHAMBRA

Not a bit--I'll explain. Many years ago when you

(whichever you are) were a baby, you (whichever you are) were

married to a little girl who has grown up to be the most

beautiful young lady in Spain. That beautiful young lady will be

here to claim you (whichever you are) in half an hour, and I

congratulate that one (whichever it is) with all my heart.

MARCO

Married when a baby!

GIUSEPPE

But we were married three months ago!

DON ALHAMBRA

One of you--only one. The other (whichever it is)

is an unintentional bigamist.

GIANETTA and TESSA

(coming forward). Well, upon my word!

DON ALHAMBRA

Eh? Who are these young people?

TESSA

Who are we? Why, their wives, of course. We've just

arrived.

DON ALHAMBRA

Their wives! Oh dear, this is very unfortunate!

Oh dear, this complicates matters! Dear, dear, what will Her

Majesty say?

GIANETTA

And do you mean to say that one of these Monarchs was

already married?

TESSA

And that neither of us will be a Queen?

DON ALHAMBRA

That is the idea I intended to convey. (Tessa and

Gianetta begin to cry.)

GIUSEPPE

(to Tessa) Tessa, my dear, dear child--

TESSA

Get away! perhaps it's you!

MARCO

(to Gianetta) My poor, poor little woman!

GIANETTA

Don't! Who knows whose husband you are?

TESSA

And pray, why didn't you tell us all about it before

they left Venice?

DON ALHAMBRA

Because, if I had, no earthly temptation would have

induced these gentlemen to leave two such extremely fascinating

and utterly irresistible little ladies!

TESSA

There's something in that.

DON ALHAMBRA

I may mention that you will not be kept long in

suspense, as the old lady who nursed the Royal child is at

present in the torture chamber, waiting for me to interview her.

GIUSEPPE

Poor old girl. Hadn't you better go and put her out

of her suspense?

DON ALHAMBRA

Oh no--there's no hurry--she's all right. She has

all the illustrated papers. However, I'll go and interrogate

her, and, in the meantime, may I suggest the absolute propriety

of your regarding yourselves as single young ladies. Good

evening!

(Exit Don Alhambra.)

GIANETTA

Well, here's a pleasant state of things!

MARCO

Delightful. One of us is married to two young ladies,

and nobody knows which; and the other is married to one young

lady whom nobody can identify!

GIANETTA

And one of us is married to one of you, and the other

is married to nobody.

TESSA

But which of you is married to which of us, and

what's to become of the other? (About to cry.)

GIUSEPPE

It's quite simple. Observe. Two husbands have

managed to acquire three wives. Three wives--two husbands.

(Reckoning up.) That's two-thirds of a husband to each wife.

TESSA

O Mount Vesuvius, here we are in arithmetic! My good

sir, one can't marry a vulgar fraction!

GIUSEPPE

You've no right to call me a vulgar fraction.

MARCO

We are getting rather mixed. The situation is

entangled. Let's try and comb it out.

Music No. 7 "In A Contemplative Fashion"

Quartet (Marco, Giuseppe, Gianetta and Tessa)

ALL

In a contemplative fashion,

And a tranquil frame of mind,

Free from every kind of passion,

Some solution let us find.

Let us grasp the situation,

Solve the complicated plot--

Quiet, calm deliberation

Disentangles every knot.

TESSA
I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded--
That's, of course, a slice of luck
He is rather dunder-headed,
Still distinctly, he's a duck.
THE OTHERS
In a contemplative fashion,

And a tranquil frame of mind,

GIANETTA
I, a victim, too, of Cupid,
Marco married - that is clear.
He's particularly stupid,
Still distinctly, he's a dear.
THE OTHERS
Free from ev'ry kind of passion,

Some solution let us find,

MARCO
To Gianetta I was mated;
I can prove it in a trice,
Though her charms are overrated,
Still I own she's rather nice.
THE OTHERS
Let us grasp the situation,

Solve the complicated plot,

GIUSEPPE
I to Tessa, willy-nilly,
All at once a victim fell.
She is what is called a silly,
Still she answers pretty well.
THE OTHERS
Quiet calm deliberation,

Disentangles ev'ry knot!

MARCO
Now when we were pretty babies
Some one married us, that's clear--
THE OTHERS
In a contemplative fashion,

GIANETTA
And if I can catch her
I'll pinch her and scratch her
And send her away
with a flea in her ear.
THE OTHERS
And a tranquil frame of mind,

GIUSEPPE
He whom that young lady married,
To receive her can't refuse.
THE OTHERS
Free from ev'ry kind of passion,

TESSA
If I overtake her
I'll warrant I'll make her
To shake in her aristocratical shoes!
THE OTHERS
Some solution let us find,

GIANETTA
If she married your Giuseppe
You and he will have to part--
THE OTHERS
Let us grasp the situation,

TESSA
If I have to do it
I'll warrant she'll rue it--
I'll teach her to marry
the man of my heart!
If she married Messer Marco
You're a spinster, that is plain--
THE OTHERS
Solve the complicated plot,



Quiet calm deliberation

TESSA
No matter--no matter.
If I can get at her
I doubt if her mother will
know her again!
THE OTHERS
Disentangles ev'ry knot!

GIANETTA
No matter,
no matter,
If I can
get at her
etc.
TESSA
If I have
to do it
I'll warrant
she'll rue it!
etc.
MARCO
To Gianetta
I was mated
I can prove it
in a trice
etc.
GIUSEPPE
I to Tessa
willy-nilly
All at once
a victim fell
etc.

ALL

Quiet, calm deliberation

Disentangles every knot!

(Exeunt, pondering)

(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of

Duke, Duchess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with the

utmost magnificence.)

Music No. 8 "With Ducal Pomp And Ducal Pride"

Chorus of Men (with Duke and Duchess).

CHORUS

With ducal pomp and ducal pride

(Announce these comers,

O ye kettle-drummers!)

Comes Barataria's high-born bride.

(Ye sounding cymbals clang!)

She comes to claim the Royal hand--

(Proclaim their Graces,

O ye double basses!)

Of the King who rules this goodly land.

(Ye brazen brasses bang!)

DUKE

This polite attention touches

Heart of Duke

DUCHESS

And heart of Duchess

Who resign their pet!

DUKE

With profound regret.

DUCHESS

She of beauty was a model

DUKE

When a tiny tiddle-toddle,

And at twenty-one

DUCHESS

She's excelled by none!

DUKE

At twenty-one

DUCHESS

She's excelled by none!

At twenty-one

DUKE

She's excelled by none!

CHORUS

She comes to claim the Royal hand

(Proclaim their graces, O ye double-basses!

Of the King who rules this goodly land

Ye brazen brasses bang!)

DUKE

(to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majesty

that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and

begs--

CASILDA

Desires--

DUCHESS

Demands--

DUKE

And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) And

now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were

united under such interesting and romantic circumstances.

CASILDA

But which is it? There are two of them!

DUKE

It is true that at present His Majesty is a double

gentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are

ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single

gentleman--thus presenting a unique example of an individual who

becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.

DUCHESS

(severely). I have known instances in which the

characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the

same individual.

DUKE

Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro.

DUCHESS

Oh! couldn't he, though!

CASILDA

Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a

dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband.

DUKE

I don't know. It's extraordinary what unprepossessing

people one can love if one gives one's mind to it.

DUCHESS

I loved your father.

DUKE

My love--that remark is a little hard, I think?

Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to

believe?

DUCHESS

It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself,

"That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my

relations bet me I couldn't, but I did--desperately!

Music No. 9 "On The Day When I Was Wedded"

Song (Duchess)

DUCHESS

On the day when I was wedded

To your admirable sire,

I acknowledge that I dreaded

An explosion of his ire.

I was overcome with panic--

For his temper was volcanic,

And I didn't dare revolt,

For I feared a thunderbolt!

I was always very wary,

For his fury was ecstatic--

His refined vocabulary

Most unpleasantly emphatic.

To the thunder

Of this Tartar

I knocked under

Like a martyr;

When intently

He was fuming,

I was gently

Unassuming--

When reviling

Me completely,

I was smiling very sweetly,

I was smiling very sweetly,

Very sweetly.

Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst--

That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor--at first!

Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst--

That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor--at first!

But I found that a reliance

On my threatening appearance,

And a resolute defiance

Of marital interference,

And a gentle intimation

Of my firm determination

To see what I could do

To be wife and husband too

Was the only thing required

For to make his temper supple,

And you couldn't have desired

A more reciprocating couple.

Ever willing

To be wooing,

We were billing--

We were cooing;

When I merely

From him parted,

We were nearly

Broken-hearted--

When in sequel

Reunited,

We were equally delighted.

We were equally delighted, delighted.

So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,

I tamed your insignificant progenitor--at last!

So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,

I tamed your insignificant progenitor--at last!

CASILDA

My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady

family he has married into he will repudiate the contract

altogether.

DUKE

Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the

lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who can

look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every nobleman

who is ninety-five quarters in arrear--I mean, who can look back

upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated

at a premium! Oh fie!

DUCHESS

Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your

Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over

and over again.

DUKE

My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of

being applied for over and over again--and very urgently applied

for, too--long before he was registered under the Limited

Liability Act.

Music No. 10 "To Help Unhappy Commoners"

Recitative and Duet (Duke and Duchess)

DUKE

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,

Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment;

Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative:

The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.

Small titles and orders

For Mayors and Recorders

I get--and they're highly delighted--

DUCHESS

They're highly delighted!

DUKE

M.P.'s baronetted,

Sham Colonels gazetted,

And second-rate Aldermen knighted--

DUCHESS

Yes, Aldermen knighted.

DUKE

Foundation-stone laying

I find very paying:

It adds a large sum to my makings--

DUCHESS

Large sums to his makings.

DUKE

At charity dinners

The best of speech-spinners,

I get ten per cent on the takings--

DUCHESS

One-tenth of the takings.

I present any lady

Whose conduct is shady

Or smacking of doubtful propriety--

DUKE

Doubtful propriety.

DUCHESS

When Virtue would quash her,

I take and whitewash her,

And launch her in first-rate society--

DUKE

First-rate society!

DUCHESS

I recommend acres

Of clumsy dressmakers--

Their fit and their finishing touches--

DUKE

Their finishing touches.

DUCHESS

A sum in addition

They pay for permission

To say that they make for the Duchess--

DUKE

They make for the Duchess!

Those pressing prevailers,

The ready-made tailors,

Quote me as their great double-barrel--

DUCHESS

Their great double-barrel--

DUKE

I allow them to do so,

Though Robinson Crusoe

Would jib at their wearing apparel--

DUCHESS

Such wearing apparel!

DUKE

I sit, by selection,

Upon the direction

Of several Companies bubble--

DUCHESS

All Companies bubble!

DUKE

As soon as they're floated

I'm freely bank-noted--

I'm pretty well paid for my trouble!

DUCHESS

He's paid for his trouble!

At middle-class party

I play at ecarte--

And I'm by no means a beginner--

DUKE

(significantly). She's not a beginner.

DUCHESS

To one of my station

The remuneration--

Five guineas a night and my dinner--

DUKE

And wine with her dinner.

DUCHESS

I write letters blatant

On medicines patent--

And use any other you mustn't--

DUKE

Believe me, you mustn't--

DUCHESS

And vow my complexion

Derives its perfection

From somebody's soap--which it doesn't--

DUKE

(significantly). It certainly doesn't!

We're ready as witness

To any one's fitness

To fill any place or preferment--

DUCHESS

A place or preferment.

We're often in waiting

At junket or feting,

And sometimes attend an interment--

DUKE

We enjoy an interment.

BOTH

In short, if you'd kindle

The spark of a swindle,

Lure simpletons into your clutches--

Yes; into your clutches.

Or hoodwink a debtor,

You cannot do better

DUCHESS

Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess--

DUKE

A Duke

BOTH

Or a Duchess!

(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)

DUKE

Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows with

great ceremony.)

MARCO

The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?

DUKE

The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands

with him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to

imitate him.) Allow me to present--

GIUSEPPE

The young lady one of us married?

(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casilda

curtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.)

CASILDA

Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of

you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz!

DUKE

I am now about to address myself to the gentleman

whom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to

wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern

him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of

excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady

who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is some

little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing,

and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to

wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still

addressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make

you happier than her mother has made me."

DUCHESS

Sir!

DUKE

If possible. And now there is a little matter to

which I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in

state with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, and

what do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to

receive me? No!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

The town illuminated? No!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

Refreshment provided? No!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

A Royal salute fired? No!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

Triumphal arches erected? No!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

The bells set ringing?

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

No.

DUKE

Yes--one--the Visitors', and I rang it myself. It is

not enough! It is not enough!

GIUSEPPE

Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I was

brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined

to taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me.

DUCHESS

That's all very well in its way, but it is not

enough.

GIUSEPPE

I'll take off anything else in reason.

DUKE

But a Royal Salute to my daughter--it costs so

little.

CASILDA

Papa, I don't want a salute.

GIUSEPPE

My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is

entitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as

she likes.

MARCO

As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you

don't know our people--they wouldn't stand it.

GIUSEPPE

They are very off-hand with us--very off-hand indeed.

DUKE

Oh, but you mustn't allow that--you must keep them in

proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your

importance. You want deportment--carriage--

GIUSEPPE

We've got a carriage.

DUKE

Manner--dignity. There must be a good deal of this

sort of thing--(business)--and a little of this sort of

thing--(business)--and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort of

thing!--(business)--and so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most

effective. Just attend to me. You are a King--I am a subject.

Very good.

Music No. 11 "I Am A Courtier Grave And Serious"

Gavotte (Duke, Duchess, Casilda, Marco and Giuseppe)

DUKE

I am a courtier grave and serious

Who is about to kiss your hand:

Try to combine a pose imperious

With a demeanour nobly bland.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Let us combine a pose imperious

With a demeanour nobly bland.

(Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions.)

DUKE

That's, if anything, too unbending--

Too aggressively stiff and grand;

(They suddenly modify their attitudes.)

Now to the other extreme you're tending--

Don't be so deucedly condescending!

DUCHESS and CASILDA

Now to the other extreme you're tending--

Don't be so dreadfully condescending!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!

At first, if anything, too unbending;

Off we go to the other extreme--

Too confoundedly condescending!

DUKE

Now a gavotte perform sedately--

Offer your hand with conscious pride;

Take an attitude not too stately,

Still sufficiently dignified.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Now for an attitude not too stately,

Still sufficiently dignified.

(They endeavour to carry out his instructions.)

DUKE

(beating time) Oncely, twicely--oncely, twicely--

Bow impressively ere you glide.

(They do so.)

Capital both, capital both--you've caught it nicely!

That is the style of thing precisely!

DUCHESS and CASILDA

Capital both, capital both--you've caught it nicely!

That is the style of thing precisely!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise!

Capital both, capital both--we've caught it nicely!

Supposing he's right in what he says,

This is the style of thing precisely!

DUCHESS and CASILDA

Capital both, capital both--you've caught it nicely!

That is the style of thing precisely!

That is the style of thing, the style, the style of thing precisely!

(Gavotte. At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casilda

with Marco and Giuseppe.)

GIUSEPPE

(to Marco). The old birds have gone away and left the

young chickens together. That's called tact.

MARCO

It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how we

are situated. It's not fair to the girl.

GIUSEPPE

Then why don't you do it?

MARCO

I'd rather not--you.

GIUSEPPE

I don't know how to begin. (To Casilda.)

Er--Madam--I--we, that is, several of us--

CASILDA

Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it is

right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I

am over head and ears in love with somebody else.

GIUSEPPE

Our case exactly! We are over head and ears in love

with somebody else! (Enter Gianetta and Tessa.) In point of

fact, with our wives!

CASILDA

Your wives! Then you are married?

TESSA

It's not our fault.

GIANETTA

We knew nothing about it.

BOTH

We are sisters in misfortune.

CASILDA

My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go

any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory

arrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated.

FINALE ACT II

Music No. 12 "Here Is A Case Unprecedented"

Quintet and Finale (Marco, Giuseppe, Casilda, Gianetta, Tessa and Chorus)

ALL

Here is a case unprecedented!

Here are a King and Queen ill-starred!

Ever since marriage was first invented

Never was known a case so hard!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

I may be said to have been bisected,

By a profound catastrophe!

CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA

Through a calamity unexpected

I am divisible into three!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

I may be said to have been bisected!

CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA

I am divisible into three!

Through a calamity unexpected I am divisible into three!

ALL

O moralists all,

How can you call

Marriage a state of unitee,

A state of unitee,

Moralists all,

How can you call

Marriage a state of unitee!

Moralists all,

How can you call

Marriage a state of unitee!

Call marriage a state of union true,

CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA

One-third of myself is married to half of ye, or you!

MARCO and GIUSEPPE

When half of myself has married two-thirds of ye, or you!

(Enter Don Alhambra, followed by Duke, Duchess, and all the

Chorus.)

RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA

Now let the loyal lieges gather round--

The Prince's foster-mother has been found!

She will declare, to silver clarion's sound,

The rightful King--let him forthwith be crowned!

CHORUS

She will declare, to silver clarion's sound,

The rightful King--let him forthwith be crowned!

(Don Alhambra brings forward Inez, the Prince's foster-mother.)

TESSA

Speak, woman, speak--

DUKE

We're all attention!

GIANETTA

The news we seek-

DUCHESS

This moment mention.

CASILDA

To us they bring--

DON ALHAMBRA

His foster-mother.

MARCO

Is he the King?

GIUSEPPE

Or this my brother?

ALL

Speak, woman, speak,

Speak, woman, speak.

RECITATIVE--INEZ

The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted

To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted;

When traitors came to steal his son reputed,

My own small boy I deftly substituted!

The villains fell into the trap completely--

I hid the Prince away--still sleeping sweetly;

I called him "son" with pardonable slyness--

His name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness!

(Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King.)

CASILDA

(rushing to his arms). Luiz!

LUIZ

Casilda! (Embrace.)

ALL

Is this indeed the King?

Oh, wondrous revelation!

Oh, unexpected thing!

Unlooked-for situation!

MARCO, GIANETTA, GIUSEPPE, TESSA

This statement we receive

With sentiments conflicting;

Our hearts rejoice and grieve,

Each other contradicting;

To those whom we adore

We can be reunited--

On one point rather sore,

But, on the whole, delighted!

LUIZ

When others claimed thy dainty hand,

I waited--waited--waited,

DUKE

As prudence (so I understand)

Dictated--tated--tated.

CASILDA

By virtue of our early vow

Recorded--corded--corded,

DUCHESS

Your pure and patient love is now

Rewarded--warded--warded.

ALL

Then hail, O King of a Golden Land,

And the high-born bride who claims his hand!

The past is dead, and you gain your own,

A royal crown and a golden throne!

FANFARE

(All kneel: Luiz crowns Casilda.)

ALL

Once more gondolieri,

Both skilful and wary,

Free from this quandary

Contented are we. Ah!

From Royalty flying,

Our gondolas plying,

And merrily crying

Our "preme," "stali!" Ah!

So good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero,

We'll dance a farewell to that measure--

Old Xeres, adieu, Manzanilla--Montero--

We leave you with feelings of pleasure!

Once more gondolieri,

Both skilful and wary,

Free from this quandary

Contented are we. Ah!

Ah! Once more gondolieri, gondolieri

Gondolieri, contented are we,

So good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero,

We'll dance a farewell to that measure--

Old Xeres, adieu, Manzanilla--Montero--

We leave you with feelings of pleasure!

With feelings of pleasure!

CURTAIN